No easy way out- a mother's journey to accept herself after cesarean
I posted this on my facebook back in April as it was "C-section awareness month". When my first labor ended in a c-section I was devastated. After pursuing a birth plan that would allow for minimal intervention to having what I would refer to as “ the works” I just felt so defeated- I felt like a failure. And actually in my medical record that was the word used- “failure”- “failure to descend”. I let those three words reek more havoc on my self esteem and self worth more than anything ever had before in my life. I just couldn’t understand how an experience that was suppose to leave me feeling my most confident, my most strong and empowered could rob me of so much. So there I was, with a new tiny human, who I didn’t yet know or understand, trying to navigate this new world as a mother, in a new body with new confusing feelings and new physical and emotional wounds that I can’t quite sort out. And there is my husband, so in love with both of us with no clue how much I was struggling to keep a smile on my face. Bitterness and anger, disappointment and fear are what became my anthem in this season of my life.
I have always wanted to write my own story, and not just one chapter at a time, but like the whole dang thing- an encyclopedia of Juliette Peña if you will...that’s what I want, so of course I had a vision of what my birth stories would look like, what my maternity leave would look like, ultimately I have everything planned all the way through college for all of my current and hypothetical children. So when things didn’t go as planned, and then when I couldn’t cope with how things went and my entire vision spun out of control, I bought into the lie that many mothers buy into. The lie that if your blog posts, your insta pictures and your snap stories don’t match the perfection of all the ones you have been viewing, you my dear have failed, you are not worthy and you couldn’t possibly be doing a good job. So better fake it till you make it sister bc the world is watching.
And when I say I bought into this lie I’m telling you, your girl here had stock, and was a major share holder on maternal guilt island.
It took me a good 10 months before I finally cried out to God begging him to fix me and this mess- but in my heart my deepest desire was for the same thing I had been wrestling for my whole life- something that our Heavenly Father in his wisdom never gives us, control. He showed me that... and for many the realization of this life long struggle that would never come to fruition would have been even more devastating but for me I was finally free! I was able to see that my God was way too big, and too loving to spend a single second caring if I was perfect. Instead he was going use my messiness, use my total lack of control and use the story he wrote for me. Once I was able to stand back, and look at what had happened thus far was I able to see how his hand touched every single part of my journey to become a mother. He kept us safe, He gave me this precious gift of life and He was going to use this story to make me stronger, to help me empower other mothers and to recognize that EVERY birth story matters and should be honored. Through a period of refinement I was also able to see that the lies I bought into weren’t uncommon in my circle of friends, and it became so crazy to me when I realized how much we let this filtered view of perfection steal all the joy of being a mother. My God used my scares, my Lio’s birth story and my heartache to make me strong, and to teach me the most important lesson as a parent- children also have very little regard for your plans- but if you welcome them in with all their messiness you will have so much joy.
Spoiler alert- for Olivette’s delivery I welcomed Jesus into every aspect- into the OR, recovery room, and our home and I was able to see the pure beauty that is when your child is born.
It didn’t feel surgical and cold but rather intimate and full of love.
While admittedly I think it’s silly to have a whole month dedicated to being “aware” that some babies are born via c-section I do think it’s a great opportunity to write a little about my experience and how having c-sections has changed me.
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